


Time for Understanding

by Rivermoon1970



Series: Time and Again [12]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Family, Feelings of guilt, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Understanding, reconnecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-02-08
Packaged: 2018-03-11 05:42:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3316286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rivermoon1970/pseuds/Rivermoon1970
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer and Emily were taken hostage by a religious cult.  Emily protected Reid by admitting she was the undercover FBI agent, but Spencer feels guilty for what happened to her.  Will he be able to overcome those feelings of guilt?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Time for Understanding

_Now:_

Spencer and Sasha walked back into the house and no one asked where they had gone, most of them had figured out it might have been the cemetery. 

Spencer looked around at his friends and he was more than glad that they were all there for him, but it was starting to get late and he was exhausted. He took Sasha into her room to get her changed and ready to go to sleep. When he came back out he looked lost and overwhelmed. Dave noticed this and subtly started talking people into leaving. 

Morgan took his wife aside, “Savannah, I’m going to stay here tonight. I’m worried about him….”

She smiled and put a hand on his shoulder, “Derek, you don’t have to say anything. I already figured you would. I even packed a bag for you”. 

“Woman, what did I ever do to deserve you?” He leaned down and kissed her. He picked up his boys and gave them a quick kiss telling him he’d be home probably late the next day.

Penelope started to say that she would stay too, but Morgan stopped her, “Penelope, go home, but come back tomorrow. He’s starting to shut down and remember we can’t crowd him when he does that, okay?”

“You’re right Derek. Make sure he eats? JJ said he didn’t really eat anything before.”

“I’ll try…shhh, don’t say it. Go home”. She pulled Morgan into a hug and placed a chaste kiss on his cheek.

Everyone said their goodbyes and slowly filed out. Dave had the caterers put the food in the refrigerator so Spencer and the kids would at least have something easy to eat for the next couple of days.

Dave turned to Morgan, “If he needs anything, you’ll call me right? I may no longer be part of the team…”

Morgan stopped him, “Rossi, you’ll always be part of the team. You can’t help it, you still invite us over for dinner old man”. He smiled to show he was teasing.

Dave chuckled, patted Morgan on the shoulder and left, he knew he was going to go home to a particular bottle of scotch and get stinking drunk. The only people that were left were JJ, Will and Henry. JJ went up to Morgan, “Derek…”

“I know Jayje. I’m sure he’s glad you came. We’ve missed you around the office, but thank you for being there when we’ve needed you”.

“Derek, he’ll always be like a little brother to me. He’s still Henry’s Godfather, I will always be there when you guys call, and you’re still part of my family”.

Just then Spencer walked back out of his bedroom. He had changed into some jeans and an old FBI t-shirt that was too big for him. Morgan didn’t need to guess that it was probably one of Aaron’s and his heart broke just a little.

Spencer looked at JJ, “You’re leaving?” He asked so forlornly.

She walked up to him and pulled him into a hug, “I’m not far Spence. If you need me call, okay?”

He just nodded his head and started to look around, “Did Jason leave?”

Both JJ and Derek looked at him funny. It was quite a while before one of them said anything, “Kid, what are you talking about?”

“Gideon. Did he leave without saying goodbye? Again?”

JJ closed her eyes and turned to lean against Will. Derek moved over and put a hand on Spencer’s shoulder, he didn’t want to break the younger man’s heart again, but this was just too much.

“Reid,” Morgan took a deep breath, “Spencer, you seriously don’t remember?”

“Morgan, what are you…” Then it dawned on him and horror filled his face, “Oh god, oh god Derek, I’m losing it, I’m….” And before he could totally breakdown Morgan pulled him into his arms and let Spencer cry. “How could I forget Morgan….how could I….he was here…all day I saw him here, he was talking to you guys….”

JJ’s tears started flowing, she’d never seen Spencer loose it completely and now he was seeing his dead mentor. It broke her heart that losing Aaron had broken something in Spencer that he forgot that Gideon was gone.

“Kid, you’re not losing it, what you’ve gone through no one should have to”. He pulled out of Reid’s arms and took his face in his hands, “Spencer, you’re not losing it…..”

Spencer pulled back violently and started yelling, “Oh really Morgan? I’m not losing it? I’ve been seeing a dead man all day, how is that not freaking losing it? Oh god, I’ve become delusional…”

“Reid, stop it,” Morgan took Spencer’s arms and shook him, “You’re grieving, you’ve lost the most important person to you, to be perfectly honest I’m surprised you’re doing this well. Spencer, you’re recognizing what’s going on, you’re not delusional and you’re not suffering a psychotic break, do you hear me?”

Spencer looked at his best friend and bowed his head as a wave of fresh tears threatened. “Now, I’m not goin’ anywhere tonight, okay? I’m going to stay right here you won’t be alone”.

He looked up at Morgan, then at JJ, then back to Morgan, and he quietly asked, “Then who’s been with me all day?”

“Spencer, your friend Ethan, he’s been with you, he was the first one to come over. He wanted to make sure you were okay before we came”.

“He let me call him Jason, why? Why would he do that?” He looked at Morgan with wide glassy eyes, and grabbed at his jacket and held on, “Morgan, help me?” He looked pleadingly at Derek.

Morgan grabbed his shoulders and looked right at Reid, “I’m right here kid, I’m not going anywhere, okay?” 

“Thank you, thank you Derek,” He just patted Morgan on the shoulder and made his way into the bedroom.

As soon as he was out of earshot JJ launched herself into Morgan’s arms, “Oh god Derek, what’s happening to him?”

Morgan’s strong arms came around the petite blonde, “I don’t know Jayje, I don’t know”.  
___________________________________________________________________________________  
 _Then:_

_Emily: Hey_

_Reid: (Looks up from his book) Hey_

_Emily: (Takes his hand and he looks up) Reid, I need you to listen to me. What Cyrus did to me was not your fault. It was my decision (pauses as she thinks about her actions)  
and I would do it again...do you hear me? (Reid looks at her bruise and sighs)_

_Reid: (whispers) Thank You_

_(Reid strokes her hand then looks at his book smiling whilst Emily looks out the window "pink-cheeked")_

They deplaned several hours later and no one wanted to go into the office. Hotch gave them the rest of the day off and told them to go home and rest, especially Emily. Hotch walked behind Spencer, hand on the small of his back as they made their way to Hotch’s SUV. 

As they made their way home Spencer sighed deeply.

“Spencer?” Aaron asked softly, “Are you okay?”

“Yes, no, I don’t know, I don’t know Aaron…” He looked out the window at the passing scenery, not really seeing it as they went.

“Spencer,” He took one hand off the wheel and grabbed one of Spencer’s and laced their fingers together, “When the church blew up, I was terrified Spencer. When I didn’t see you…” Hotch had to still his heart and the raw emotions that were churned up. He wanted to sit next to him on the plane, but he had sensed that his lover needed to be close to Emily. 

“We do seem to attract a lot of people who like to blow things up, don’t we?” Spencer said with a sarcastic tone to his voice. “I mean, seriously, how many more explosions can we take?” He looked over at Aaron with furrowed brow.

Aaron quickly looked over at Spencer and laughed. “You do have a point there Spencer. Unfortunately it’s part of our job. Bombs, serial bombers, terrorists and cults fall to the BAU quite often. You know this Spencer. What’s really bothering you?” Aaron returned to watching the road in front of him.

Spencer’s frown deepened, “Do I look like I’m weak Aaron? Do I really act like I need so much god damned protecting?” Spencer was still reeling over what Emily had done and even though he had thanked her, he still didn’t understand why she did it.

Aaron sighed, this was an old argument and he just didn’t know how to reassure Spencer, “Reid you are anything but weak. We protect each other on this team and Emily believes she did the right thing. And I do to. As much as I hate what she went through, she kept you focused on Cyrus. That is one of your greatest strengths Spencer, your ability to talk people down. And even though you’ve take stupid chances in the past, people listen to you. You were the one that almost got through to him Spencer. Cyrus was beginning to listen to you. If Emily hadn’t done what she did, the outcome may have been very different”.

Spencer took a deep breath and let it out slowly, “I guess you’re right”. But he still wasn’t convinced.

“Maybe you need to talk to Emily a bit more. Tell her what you are really feeling because if I know one thing about you Spence, you are going to carry around that guilt and somehow think it was your fault when it wasn’t. Okay?”

Spencer heard the truth in those words and knew that he needed to talk more with Emily, “Okay Aaron. Thank you”.

They finally made it home and all they wanted to do was get cleaned-up and go to bed. It had been a long, frustrating and terrifying three days, especially for Aaron. He was still dealing with his hearing issues, and keeping it together while two of his agents, one his lover, were held captive put a strain on him. He thanked God that Rossi had been there to help him through the ordeal.

When he parked and they got out of the car, they were suddenly bum rushed by an almost three year old blond headed boy who was crying out for Spencer.

Haley walked up to them, “I’m sorry. You guys look exhausted, but he wouldn’t settle. He saw the news, the explosion and you Dr. Reid,” We’re back that? Thought Spencer, but he knew Haley was trying so he let it go for now. “He got scared…”

Spencer was standing there with the crying little boy in his arms trying to soothe him. 

Aaron put a hand on her arm, “It’s okay Haley. I was going to call you anyway, but things got complicated really fast after that. I’m so sorry he saw that”. Aaron walked over and pulled Spencer, who was still holding Jack, into his arms. Jack turned around and put one arm around Aaron’s neck while keeping one around Spencer and they stood like that holding each other, not caring that their neighbors were probably watching. After a few minutes Aaron took Jack from Spencer and looked him in the face.

“Hey buddy, you okay now?”

“Daddy, I was scared”.

“I know buddy. And you know what?”

“What?”

“I was scared too, but we’re okay. Spencer’s okay”. He hugged the boy tightly and asked,” Will you be able to sleep now Jack?”

Jack furrowed his brow, so much like his father, and slowly shook his head. “Do you want to call me when you get back home to be sure we’re okay?”

He nodded his head, “Can Pencer weed me a stowie?”

Aaron turned and looked at his ex-wife, her face softened, “Only if you promise that you’ll go to bed”.

Spencer smiled at Jack, “Hey Jack-Jack, why don’t you go home with Mommy, then have her call us and I’ll read you a story till you fall asleep, okay?”

Jack looked satisfied with that, “Okay Uncle Pencer”.

“Aaron, Spencer, again…”

“Haley, you never have to be sorry. I always want to do what’s best for Jack”. She smiled sadly because she felt so excluded seeing how Aaron and Spencer were with Jack, but she was beginning to truly understand just how deep her ex-husbands feelings were for Spencer. She also began to understand that maybe her and Aaron never truly had that. Oh she didn’t doubt he had loved her, but maybe they hadn’t loved enough and she was beginning to understand that maybe she played a part in pushing Aaron away and into Spencer’s arms. She walked back to her car with these thoughts swirling around in her head. 

They bundled Jack in the car seat and Haley promised she would call when she got home and got him settled in bed. About an hour later she made good on her promise. Spencer sat on the bed and ‘read’ a story from memory to Jack, but he could tell the little boy was asleep before he was even halfway through. Haley picked-up the phone and thanked the young agent. They spoke for a few minutes and hung up on a more positive note with each other. Spencer felt a change in Haley, but he didn’t want to say anything, didn’t want to spoil the hard won truce that he felt from the woman. He put the phone down and was still smiling when Aaron came to bed.

“What put that smile on my genius?” Aaron teased.

“Your genius? I am my own person Aaron…” Aaron kissed him before he rambled off into a tirade. “Okay, I guess you can call me your genius if you keep kissing me like that”. Spencer smiled at his lover. “I think there is now an unspoken truce between Haley and I. I have no idea what I did…”

“You took Jack into your heart Spencer. She has seen you with him several times now and has come to understand that you love him just as much and she and I do. You’ve unconsciously claimed him as part of your family.”

“Until Jack I was afraid of kids, maybe that’s where the Reid-effect came from”. He laughed at himself and Aaron just found it so endearing that he grabbed the young man and pulled him on top of him and started a new round of kissing.

“I don’t say this often, but Aaron, as nice as this feels I am just too damn tired”. Aaron held Spencer’s head in his hands for a minute before he pulled him into a tight hug.

“I just need you right here for a little bit Spence. God, I was so scared. Scared that the outcome would be quite different and when the dust settled and I saw you there, my  
relief…” Aaron closed his eyes and willed the tears that were leaking to stop.

“I admit I was scared too, but I’m still here Aaron, and I’m not going anywhere”. He didn’t want to say anymore, didn’t want to spoil the good mood he had suddenly found himself in. He just laid there encircled in the strong and comforting arms of his love and he quickly fell asleep.  
_________________________________________________________________________________  
Reid had been looking over at Emily off and on all day. He had wanted to talk to her but he didn’t know how to say what he wanted to say.

“Reid, if you don’t stop staring at me I swear to god…” She saw the stricken look on Reid’s face and sighed. He looked like he wanted to talk, but was having a hard time getting out what he wanted to say. She looked at him for just a minute and made a decision, “Come on, I’ll buy you a cup of coffee”.

“Emily..”

She put a hand on his arm, “Reid, you look like you need to talk, so let’s get out of here for a little bit and I’ll buy you a cup of coffee, okay?”

He contemplated for a minute before he agreed. He glanced up at Hotch’s office and saw him looking down at Emily and him. Hotch nodded that it was okay, he knew  
Spencer needed to get some things off his chest, that his short talk with Emily on the plane wasn’t enough. 

Morgan also noticed the two of them leaving the building and breathed a sigh of relief. He hoped that Prentiss would get the kid to open up and help him purge the feelings of guilt he knew that Spencer was holding onto.

They got to the small café and Emily, knowing Reid as well as she did, got him black coffee and brought back a handful of sugar packets. She winced when she saw just how much he was putting in his coffee.

“How have you not developed Diabetes is what I’d like to know”. She teased.

He looked up and started to go off about the statistical possibility of how unlikely it would be for him to develop the disease. She put a hand on his arm to stop him, “Reid, tell me,” She looked right in his eyes.

Spencer knew she wasn’t talking about his rant, but what he was feeling, “Emily, you don’t…” She saw he was struggling to put into words what he wanted to ask. She also knew how intensely private Spencer was and how hard it was for him to open up. She saw the struggle and patiently waited, “Emily, I’m not weak”. He looked at her, deep frown on his face.

“Reid, I have never thought of you as weak. In fact, after everything you’ve been through I see you as one of the strongest men I know”.

“Then why Emily? Why did you do what you did? I could have...”

She put a hand on his arm to stop him. “Reid I knew what they were probably going to do to us or to one of us at least. I was tied up and beaten. Spencer, no one, and I mean no needs to go through something like that a second time”. She looked at him pointedly. “Plus, I have seen you talk us out of some of the hairiest situations. You’re too good at talking people down. From what Morgan tells me you almost had Cyrus to the point that he was going to give up. That is your strength Reid”.

He frowned and somewhere deep down he understood, “It’s just that I sometimes feel like you guys think I’m some fragile thing that needs protecting....”

“Reid, this isn’t about you, we are a team and I will always have your back and I won’t ever think of you as weak. Do you understand? I admire what you can do, how you think and frankly us nerds have to stick together”. She smiled and hoped he would understand.

She saw he still looked a little lost and easily came to the decision to ask him over. “Tell you what, why don’t you come over for some pizza and a so bad it’s good movie night, just the two of us, like we used to do. I think Hotch can survive one night without you, don’t you?”

“Depends on the movie,” He playfully pouted.

“I got the perfect one, have you ever seen Beyond the Valley of the Dolls? It’s so bad it’s totally awesome, bad sex, bad rock music and one crazy dream sequence”. She steered clear of mentioning the drugs but somehow she knew Reid would be okay with the movie. She smiled and hoped he’d say yes.

“I guess he can live without me for one night”. He smiled back and looked forward to a night of reconnecting with a good friend.

“Good, because you’re important to me Reid, and I will always have your back”. He shyly smiled at her and his heart lifted and he was able to let go of some of that guilt he had built up inside of him.

**Author's Note:**

> So, after much soul searching after the Nelson's Sparrow episode, I hope you guys like how I've handled this. I did go back and subtly change some of the "beginnings" of the earlier parts of this series to coincide. 
> 
> Also, if you guys have not see _Beyond the Valley of the Dolls_ , it is so worth a bad b-movie night. It is notoriously bad, but funny. I've seen it like 10 times and have not gotten tired of it. It was written by none other than film critic Roger Ebert and filmed by 70's and 80's bad pop director Russ Meyer. So, so bad/good.


End file.
